Real Ale Tour
hen Mr Anke went on the Oxfam Bookfest Tour a few weeks back, he returned in a state of high excitement not witnessed since he saw a full-size cardboard cutout of Karen Gillan in the BBC shop. His head was jam-packed with fascinating, hitherto unknown facts about his beloved Tunbridge Wells, and he couldn't praise Catherine Pitt, the newly-qualified blue badge guide, highly enough. Since then, it's transpired that as well as being a history buff, Catherine's an oracle on the subject of real ale. Which is good for me, because walking around town staring at buildings isn't really my bag, but crawling around pubs, and drinking real ale, is. Which is exactly what Catherine and I did last week, for a kind of historical boozy tour-type session.
The Perry takes centre stage at the Oak.
Stop 1: The Royal Oak
"My muse these Observations having made,
Her distant Eye New Tunbridge Wells survey'd
Where that notorious Game the Royal Oak,
In times of Yore so many Hundred broke"
Ned Ward, 1714
Well, I can't say I know for sure what sort of game "the Royal Oak" is, but given our proud origins as a rich man's knocking shop, I can take a wild stab in the dark. No such shenanigans to be enjoyed in the Royal Oak these days, but there's some seriously good ale to be enjoyed. They always have a pump or two of Darkstar on the go - one of my favourite breweries, who couldn't make a bad beer if their lives depended on it. I enjoyed a half of fresh and golden Hophead. Catherine went for a maltier option - the Cottage Brewery's Flying Scotsman.
But the real star behind the bar is not their ale, but their Perry. Call it pear cider and you're wrong. Call it an extremely boozy and dangerously delicious drink made from fermented pears and you're right. Unlike the hardy apple, the pear is a notoriously difficult fruit - hard as nails one minute, then squishy and overripe the next, which makes the art of Perry-making extremely hit and miss. So to find Perry as good as this in a pub is definitely something not to be missed - get yourself down there and try it.
Snacks: As well as their crisps, I've often enjoyed a stick of Peperami on occasions when I feel like getting my teeth into something a bit meatier.
Beer and tasting notes at the Grove.
Stop 2: The Grove Tavern
Dating from the 1700's, The Compasses is often credited as being the oldest pub in town. But although it has the longest continuous licence, the Grove Tavern dates from around 1689 and has enjoyed numerous identities, including a Pyeshop. And if you think it's small now, it used to be half the size, the other half being...well, doesn't take a genius to work that one out. I was quite merrily quaffing my extremely mild and smooth Golden Sheep when Catherine rather rashly offered me a taste of her Timothy Taylor's Landlord. I was so taken by its refreshing tanginess that I nabbed it and left her with the Sharp's Cornish Coaster. Mind you, I don't think she was complaining.
Snack: An exemplary array. Not only does it sell Monster Munches - and in two flavours - but it boasts the prince of all bar snacks - pickled eggs (wipes saliva from keyboard), best rolled in the salty dregs of a crisp packet.
Beer and slightly less readable tasting notes at the Sussex.
Stop 3: The Sussex Arms
The Sussex Arms started life as a tap room for the Sussex Hotel around the 1700's, so its history as a drinking establishment in its own right is extremely sketchy, as are my written notes at this stage. Without exception, all of my Tunbridge Wells born-and-bred friends misspent their youths in the Sussex, in the days when legendary landlord Dennis Lane ruled the roost. Mr Anke and I drank here when we used to visit the Wells at the turn of the century. It was a very old-school traditional pub back then, a far cry from today's tasteful olive-coloured walls and wooden floors. Being a Greene King pub, they have Westgate (a Greene King brewery) Sundance on tap, which is quite nice, but the real star is Skinner's Betty Stogs, which is as exquisite a drop as you are likely to find anywhere.
But I'll tell you what. If I didn't work such stupid hours, I'd be down the Sussex like a lazer through lard on a Saturday night, where the Downtown Meltdown DJs spin songs from the 50's and early 60's - that and Betty Stogs equals a top night on the town.
Stop 4: The Bedford
The beer begins to take its toll on Mrs Anke's photography skills.
Things were getting extremely hazy by the time we reached the newest addition to the Tunbridge Wells drinking canon. The Bedford's been spruced up by the Royal Tunbridge Wells Brewing Company, and although it's technically a Greene King pub, they've got a cracking arrangement with them. Of their eight pumps, they can choose whatever Greene King beers they like for four, and run amok on the other four, so we can expect some really weird and wonderful barrels to be gracing their cellar. So we tried Gadds Festiv'Ale, a hair-curling Tonbridge Auburn Myth, Pearl of Kent which was so hoppy it made me sneeze - and my absolute favourite - RTW Brewing Company's very own Royal, whose rounded, burnished flavour appealed to my coffee loving palate no end. And that's about as much as I can decipher from my notes.
Snacks: being one of those new-fangled, tasteful pubs, they've gone for this business of decanting nuts from jars. But they've got those nice wasabi ones, so fair do's innit.
Stop 5: The Opera House
It was an uncharacteristically subdued night in the Opera House, possibly because it was Steak Night which brings in a more refined crowd. This beautiful building dates back to 1901 when it was in fact built as a theatre, but they decided to call it an opera house because it sounded more swanky. It was a cinema between 1931 and 1968, and was a bingo hall until Weatherspoons bought it in 1997, thus it is often referred to as The Spoons.
Folk might be a bit sniffy about it, but it's got pickled onion monster munches behind the bar so sniff at your peril. And a great range of beers including a couple of my beloved Darkstars - black and stouty Old Chestnut, and sweet and sugary Victorian Ruby Millar. A couple of real gems are the Hook Norton Haymaker, which tastes of - honest - pineapple, and a real treat for sweet-lovers, the Hogbacks TEA, which is like drinking liquid Caramac.
Oh dear.
Stop 6: Sankey's
Don't ask me. I dimly recall getting stuck into a very nice cherry beer but that's about all I can say on the subject. I will say that on the snack side they do good pork scratchings.
Anyway, if you'd like to learn more about your town, then for a fascinating albeit booze-free tour, you can book Catherine through the Discover South East England website, or email her on info@discoversoutheastengland.co.uk.
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